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I am Asexual

I am asexual

Generally speaking, this means I don’t experience sexual attraction

I see the feminine body and I feel nothing

I see the masculine body and I feel nothing

Now when I see the body of androgyny, a spark of interest ignites inside of me

But this is not attractions

This is excitement

Excitement in representation

This is because I see myself in that body In a body that abides by no rules

In a body that encompasses everything and nothing all at the same time

This is because I am agender as well

But that’s a story for another poem

I am asexual

But don’t get me wrong I can appreciate beauty

Physical beauty

But I don’t crave it I don’t hunger for it

The way the stereotypical 12-year-old boy hungers for the swimsuit models in the magazines

I don’t feel that

The way a closeted queer person sees their first same-sex celebrity crush on the screens of their televisions and realizes who they really are

I never had that

I didn’t like anyone

I tried to feel something

I tried

I tried

I tried to look at them with the eyes of desire

But I felt nothing

Not attraction

Nothing

It just wasn’t me

I am asexual

But my definition

My experiences

My words are my own

Don’t take them as gospel

They’re far from it.

I am asexual

And for me it means I don’t find people to be physically attractive

For me it means I don’t crave sex or physical intimacy

For me it means that if I’m with my partner I will kiss them

I will hold them

I will show them the highest level of intimacy that I can

But it’s not rooted is physical attraction

Its not rooted in how sexy I think they look in that tight skirt

Its not because that new button up shirt is getting me all hot and bothered

It not because they are so damn thick that I can’t contain myself

It because that how I show them I care

That’s how I show them love

Im asexual

And I can be affectionate

I can have sex

…if I want to

… or I couldn’t not

Whatever I do that’s my business

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I See You

You enter the room
Everyone sees you
From top to bottom
They see you
Your lips
Your chest
Your waist
Your legs
They see you
They want you
They crave you

I see you
I admire you
With my eyes
I take in every inch of your body
From top to bottom
Your lips
Your chest
Your waist
Your legs
I see you
But I don’t want you
I don’t crave you
At least
Not like they do
Not how they want you
Not how they crave you

They see you
They want you
From top to bottom
They want you
They want to taste you
Lick you
Please you
Have you
Have you lips
Your chest
Your waist
Your legs
They want you
All of you

I see you
And I don’t want you
And I don’t crave you
But I wish I did
I wish I could want you like that
I wish I could crave you like that
I want to want you
I crave to crave you
I see what they see
And I want to want that
But I can’t
I cant want
I cant crave
But I wish I could
I wish I could love you the way you know love
A love that want you
A love that craves you
But I cant.

Sexual Performance (updated)

 

To other it’s instinct;

It’s natural.

But to me,

It’s a performance:

Right hand down your back,

Left hand up your thigh,

I lick you here,

Kiss you there,

You moan,

Repeat.

 

After years of practice

I’ve mastered the role;

I am a seasoned sexual performer:

I pull you close,

Part your legs,

Lick you there,

Kiss you here,

You moan,

Repeat.

 

You almost believe me;

You do believe me.

You melt in my hands,

Begging for more:

More licks,

More kisses,

More passion,

More sex.

 

But if you look close enough

You’ll see past the illusion.

You’ll see how I hesitate,

How rigid my movements are as I reach for you.

 

If you look close enough,

And see past the illusion,

You might think I lack a drive.

You might think I have no passion;

No true passion.

That my hesitation and my rigidness are a sign of disinterest;

Disinterested in you,

In your body,

In this moment,

This beautiful moment.

 

I am a sexual actor

And my movements may seem methodical

Well calculated

Carefully thought out

And they are

I plan my every move

Track your reaction

And formulate a proper response

And though I may not receive pleasure

for the act itself

I get the biggest joy from seeing you

Enjoy the show.